My depression started about 12 years ago. It would come and go and Paxil seemed to work. As the years went by, however, my depression got much worse. I was so phony at work. I would put on a smile and chat with co-workers but would go to my car on my lunch break and cry. I didn't want anyone to know how sad I was. As time wore on, I fought the tears and my hands would shake. I would go home each evening and make dinner for my husband and go to sleep for 12 hours a night. Saturday morning was the only time I felt some type of happiness or freedom; by 2 p.m. in the afternoon, I was in my slump, thinking forward to work on Monday and the same routine.

I ended up in the hospital for an unrelated problem and the floodgates opened. I told my family how I wanted to get in my car and drive until I had no money. I hated my job, my life. Suicide was a daily thought and seemed like my only escape. My family stood by me, not realizing how horrible things really were.

I started in the DIAMOND program through my clinic with a change of medication. At this point, I quit my job, which was an enormous relief to be safe at home. I kept the drapes closed and monitored all phone calls. I was a nervous wreck. I saw my DIAMOND care manager weekly. I was scared at first but we started with small goals that I chose. I had to really concentrate on opening the drapes a little every day, getting the mail during the day hours instead of night. I was afraid of seeing my neighbors and just didn't want to talk to anyone. My care manager was a blessing, she was so patient, understanding and she made me laugh. I felt very comfortable around her and told her exactly how I felt. She didn't laugh at me or think I was a freak.

I worked hard and started a journal—what a shock that was! Just writing the words made me see and understand myself. I was in the DIAMOND program for five months. Since then, when I feel like I'm beginning to slip back into OLD patterns, I stop and think what I have learned through the program. I also know I can get on the phone and call my care manager anytime.

The depression likes to peek in once in a while, but I have stayed on the right path. It's been eight months since I have had thoughts about suicide. From the moment I wake each day, I keep positive thoughts and stay away from anyone or anything that will take me back to those bleak, dark days.

Susan, patient, Family HealthServices Minnesota